The Strangeness, The Past

What is this strange feeling? – I used to be much better, I was much more productive. As I stared at my forgotten paintings, I am in awe, I am aghast, at my past self, the strange ‘self’. Is that me? Did I abandon myself? Who is this philosopher? Why is philosophy suddenly like a mother who abandoned her child when he was born? I see the professional philosophers as strangers at this instant, I feel my soul bursting against closed walls, in this abyssal segregation. Am I writing this, simply as a piece of habit? I now hear Rodrigo’s concerto[1], I see my memories, sealed away and the reminiscent flames burning at the distant sea. This estrangement! This ghostly phase! This reflection in the mirror! Who am I? Who am I – am I a philosopher? But what is a philosopher? What is this strange feeling? When philosophers seem not philosophers, intellectuals seem not intellectuals, a gardener seem not a gardener a teacher seem not a teacher…

The Artist hears her voice, he cannot escape yet he is far far away… Oh Lord! Even the colours, the colours seem so strange. The light, the sound, the coldness; everything, every passing moment – is there a moment? Where do I lie? What do I see? Where shall I go? Where is  my home? Oh my friends my friends, my love, my eyes! I see my eyes! Those eyes that stare at me with the bleakness of a stranger! With contempt, with sadness, those melancholic eyes, filled with blueness, with a maroon tint. I am dead. I am alive! I am from the heaven and from the earth! I am the devil at lost with man! The blood and the passion, they run towards the finale of the crowd! I am gone. Let it come! Let the tsunami crush down on the land, I hear a flute singing in the distant sea! I sense my soul rejoined with my master’s, with that of the music! Oh! How grand, how lively! Let all the waters wash away this day, let it sooth my soul and my memories. Let the harmonic transcend the self – and bring him back, bring me home.

The traveller…

[1] The first movement, for the Adagio would shatter me.

Published in: on 02/06/2013 at 4:54 PM  Leave a Comment  

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